The Boston Society of Bombardment

Last sunday was the opening night of the Boston Society of Bombardment weekly battles. We were all floored to have over 30 players and some seriously rapid gameplay!

Feel free to invite whoever, the more people the easier it will be for unnoticed shots! (ulterior motives i suppose… )

Seriously though, thanks for the overwhelming interest and we look forward to having a solid 2009 season. Now if i can just get my throwing arm back into shape…

Laws are what separate us from the animals. Well, laws and clothing, if you discount those small dogs that are dressed up in sweaters and turtlenecks. But certainly laws. The best dodgeball game is one that adheres to a strict set of rules that govern the gameplay. Rules can be varied to complement skill set or team size, but generally, if its a moderate to small sized game (read: the best kind) of devoted players, i believe the following oft debated rules should be applied (in additon to the basic rules):

1. headshots count. period.
2. if a ball hits clothing but not skin, the player is out. wear baggy shorts at ones own risk.
3. a player can be saved by a teammate catching a hit that was deflected, but the thrower is still in as well.
4. if you deflect a ball with another ball, you are safe. if you try to deflect a ball with another ball but it strikes your hand, you are out, as the first thing the ball comes into contact with is your hand.

that last rule is often, surprisingly enough, disputed, as some people try to hide the fact they were struck on the hand or even say that since they are holding a ball, the hit doesnt count. this is both ridiculous and stupid, and people who purport such wanton heresy should be expelled from the game, or at least kicked in the groin.

Being a rather large gentleman myself, I’m often amazed at how agility is essential in the game of bombardment. As an overweight-American, I represent the population that is unable to move at high velocity or twist my body in compromising ways (In order to compete then, I require a devastating throwing arm in order to stay dodgeball-viable. Unfortunately, i lack that particular skill set as well, which leaves me in the worst possible category: cannon fodder). My lack of ability has developed in me an affection for the Spider-Man-esque among us, who, with seemingly no thought, can twist, jump, dive and duck at high speed and with quick precision. The name of the game is dodgeball, after all, and often time evading an oncoming onslaught of rubber is the best way to keep your team alive.

So, here’s to you, you nimble, fleet footed lords of the dodgeball court. I hope you burn in hell.

In order to mix things up a little bit, Chris purchased a new set of dodgeballs to use. One is a super-grip dodgeball, which has extra cross hatches to provided maximum grip. Seriously, it’s lethal. Also purchased was a baseball-sized dodgeball, and I now have something to be more afraid of than birds (although birds are righteously scary). The fact that dodballs are large and rubber means that even when you throw them wicked hard, air slows them down enough for it only to hurt enough to let the opponent know who’s boss. This little menace’s decreased size means that it maintains the velocity you throw it at, so concussions and death are real possibilities here. Someone missed my face by about three inches the other night with the dodge-baseball. Even though it didnt hit me, i was shaken enough by the dread of what could have happened that I immediately left the game and cried for several hours.

The best new ball has to be the jingle ball. A regular dodgeball, nothing is out of the ordinary here save for a small jingle bell placed inside the otherwise hollow rubber ball. This might not sound that cool, but when you get wrecked with a dodgeball that makes an emasculating jingle bell sound as it bounces off of your face, loud enough so the entire group can hear…let’s just say there is no recovering from that shame.

Picking a team is no easy task. A well balanced team leads to victory, but unfortunately, the opponent is trying to pick from the same talent pool. The best team building strategy is to punch the opposing captain in the nuts before he picks, then laugh as he can’t form the name. Seriously though, i am horrible at picking teams, so if anybody as any insight, it’s much appreciated.

Making a good dodgeball mixtape requires careful skill and an innate love of music. Although a difficult task, adding music to ones dodgeball games can really enhance the experience, as a fast paced, violent game can be complemented by a ear-bleeding guitar solo, or an epic one-on-one face off can be made even more pulse pounding by a bold rythm section. The louder the better. Some of my favorite dodgeball tracks:

“Welcome Home” by Coheed and Cambria
“The Wicker Man” by Iron Maiden
“Fuel” by Metallica
“untitled Hidden Track” by The Used

Please add your own….and rock on.

After last night’s game, I’ve been strategizing a little. I’ve realized the most effective tool in a game where there is an even number of players is -silly as it sounds – the buddy system.

If every player on one team buddies up and stays with their buddy the entirety of the match, victory is almost assured. The reasons are plentiful:

1. your visual field is doubled, as is your ammuntion supply ( i was going to say ball supply but i couldnt stop giggling)
2. your offensive capability is dramatically increased.
3. your chances of being saved by a teammate after a deflection is also greatly increased.

Think about it – lets say Teammates A and B are buddied up. Opponent X is not. A and B have, at least, twice the firepower if they each have one dodgeball per hand (there are variations here, A could have a better throwing arm, and then have B carry the dodgeballs, which, when unencumbered by the burden of offense, would allow B to carry more than two weapons). Opponent X will then be forced to either A). dodge an onslaught if A and B throw simultaneously, or B). endure a grueling drawn out battle in which he’ll have to continuously dodge a steady stream of dodgeballs. Either situation is an unwelcome one. Essentially, the buddy system elevates the game to a nuclear arms race status; insuring ones own safety whilst threating the opposing team with a bigger stick.

Also, getting hit in the balls sucks.

The most dangerous thing I can think of is playing a good dodgeball game without proper footwear. It’s just plain foolish. For example, my Vans, while highly comfortable, don’t provide the support or allow the dexterity that one requires to perform at their physical peak. Converse All-Stars, while high topped, are far too flimsy to make for a good dodgeball shoe. No, I prefer my New Balance Track Running shoes. High and sturdy, they allow for me to jump and move freely, while giving me the support my childlike ankles require.

And it beats playing in flip flops.

I refuse to play dodgeball against a woman. I have yet to see a girl play dodgeball who doesn’t hold to a ridiculous, sexist double standard that demands they be respected as competitors yet handled with kid gloves. They usually want to be able to play and throw the ball at others, but shrink back and shriek, “YOU CAN’T HIT ME, YOU CANT HIT ME!!!!!” when the attack is returned. Also, face shots, while highly prized against a male opponent, are frowned upon by the dodgeball community at large when a female is involved. This ridiculous double standard has left me no choice but to protest any dodgeball game where women are treated as equals.

As usual, all women are invited to all our dodgeball games as cheerleaders and drink servers.